By Grace Moore
A Boulder December night. (Grace Moore/Radio 1190)
Earlier this week, The Guardian put out an interview with cultural critic Fran Lebowitz so naturally, as a tiny white girl that thinks she’s “different,” I read every word. The part that was quoted in the title says “Hiking is the most stupid thing I could ever imagine.” Of course, Fran is right about that. However, what does she know about hikers? She’s a New Yorker! This is my fourth year here in Colorado, and as much as I love every second of my life here, I’ve spent the past few years doing nothing but judging. So without further ado I present to you: Everything wrong with Colorado.
- Everyone is skinny and when everyone is skinny then no one is funny
And when no one is funny then what are we all doing here? Boulder specifically is the skinniest city in the U.S.. That is where our problem begins. I’m personally not fat on the outside. However, I’m partially funny because I’m fat in my heart. I don’t know what to say for the rest of you guys. People that are skinny can make you laugh, sure, but then a fat person comes into the room and you’re keeled over with tears in your eyes. Has that ever happened to you here in Boulder? Right. I’m not saying that we should spread the obesity epidemic, or create a food desert, I’m just saying that there needs to be a cultural shift. I’m saying that people in Colorado need to care about food. It is obvious that people here eat, because they’re alive, but they don’t care about food. I care about food, all food. I care about a warm meal, I care about a cracker from your mom when you’re sick. I stay up thinking about s’mores, pasta, and a hefty burger. If you look around, that seems to be a solo experience here in Colorado. If you’re willing to begin spending time thinking about something as small as a cracker then you’re ready to put thought into so many new things. You’re all set to observe more and if you do that then, you’ll be funnier.
- Everywhere is uphill
Walking around was never something that I thought I was supposed to be grateful for until I came to Colorado. Personally, I do not own a car. I can drive, just for the record, but my dad is a teacher and my mom is a journalist which means that for my sixteenth birthday I got a Brandy Melville tank top. That leaves me in an awkward position when I’m on Broadway alone and scared. Not only is this place too big to be walking around in, everywhere you go you’re walking uphill. I will be outside, ready to get to point B and I will map out, in my head, the most down-hill route I can possibly take and then before you know it, I’m walking uphill again. So I turn around and guess what? I’m walking uphill again. How does this happen? How does forward and backward both become uphill?
Walking is the best. Walking is so important for thinking. All the best thinking is done when walking, but that is just not possible here because walking is too hard. And if we can’t walk around and think that’s how you end up with a town that has buses that only run late and off-campus dorm rooms. Whoever invented both of those things could use a good walking and thinking session. A lot of you could also probably benefit from one of those.
- Hiking really is the worst
I want you all to understand that I love the great outdoors. I love dirt, worms, mountains, rivers, you name it, but you guys have got to chill out, and you need real problems. People love to brag to you about their difficult hike they did or their crazy ski adventure.
“Oh I spent my Sunday rock climbing.”
You know what I did this Sunday? I went grocery shopping, did the laundry and lied on my couch, like a real member of society. And guess what? It gets worse. During the week I go to my job so that I can pay my bills so that I can afford to be inside. If you are on the side of a mountain on a Sunday what you are saying to me is that you are not being taxed enough.
What all you hikers need to be taxed appropriately, you need a job that is in-person Monday through Friday and you need a good old bill to pay. Maybe electric? But if I have to hear one more time about your awesome fun life where you’re not hungover all the time because you have a will to live, I am going to lose it. Sit down. Will you people please just sit down? Enough! Go get a job.
All in all, I really do love you Colorado and if you got anything from this I hope it is that your life is probably better than mine. At least if you’re offended by this you know you’re skinny.